My stomach is in knots and I am trying not to think about it. Avoidance isn’t going to make it go away. I’ve been here before but it never gets easier. Starting a new body of work is terrifying and honestly sucks. Especially when it’s a deliberate delineation and doesn’t just happen organically. 

I know what I need to: get in the studio and work it out on paper.
But it is hard to when you dread the feeling of fucking up. 

What I hate is when I mess up a perfectly good start to a piece of work. Last night I took the plunge and started marking up the watercolor base. The marks were awful, I knew it once I moved my hand across the paper. I kept moving - trying to make it better but I only made it worst. Then I entered the “fuck it” phase and really ran it into the ground. 

I haven’t given up on it. I want to experiment with using materials I don’t normally use – acrylic, gesso, spray paint. Really go all in on filling the space and layering as much as possible. This is really hard for me because I love negative space. I haven’t made compositions that fill the page and utilize layers in this way in about 8 years. I admire so many artist currently that do but this is not my standard practice. My hands are clumsy, the marks are timid or too bold, the composition is off, and my vision isn’t realized. 

Good thing I just ordered 50 pieces of paper. Hopefully I don’t waste all of it.

So, in the words of the ever so Grateful Dead:
Truckin' got my chips cashed in. Keep truckin', like the do-dah man
Together, more or less in line, just keep truckin' on.